I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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