he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
