Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
