Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
