Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wish there were birth control emojis
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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