Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
