I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
