Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
