he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
