Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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