Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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