dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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