Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
