I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
