the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
