Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
