I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
