I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
