Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
