Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
