i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
