tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
