he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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