This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
