My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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