Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
