Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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