I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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