I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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