its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We are all done wearing pants today
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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