In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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