I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
