I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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