I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
