I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
