Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize
