Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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