After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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