If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
