So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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