I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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