I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
