i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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