How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
