I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
