i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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