It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
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Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Oh god it's open bar.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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