I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
