this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
