have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
These tits shall not be calmed
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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