My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
