she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Randomize
