FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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