i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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