Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
