Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
