he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
