You're my little dorito
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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