90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
